


Of unsent letters and wilted flowers

by SinfulPeace



Series: Hobbit... uh things [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, BAMF Bilbo, Female Bilbo Baggins, Multi, fem!Bilbo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-12-15
Updated: 2014-06-29
Packaged: 2018-01-04 19:33:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1084890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SinfulPeace/pseuds/SinfulPeace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Letters members of the company could've, should've, and would've sent to themselves and each other. These will be short, and if you don't like one, please at least look at the others.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Angst right off the bat

Dear Thorin Oakenshield,

You died. And I hate you for it, but I don't hate you, because I can't. I thought I was the burglar, but you stole my heart.

Love, Bilbo Baggins


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Dwalin,

So it seems you've taken an interest in my little brother. Let me make this perfectly clear, guardsman. I don't care what you do to me, I'm a thief, but if you hurt Ori— no one will find your body.

Love,  
Your soon to be brother-in-law, Nori


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Nori,

Stop threatening Dwalin. If you don't— I'll tell Dori about Bofur. I'm not nearly as blind as you seem to think I am.

Love,  
Your little brother, Ori


	4. Chapter 4

Dear Gandalf,

So how many dragons have you slayed?

Sincerely,  
The Fandom

P.S. - And if Dumbledore is gay; are you?


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Fandom,

I don't see how that's any of your concern. And, no, that does not make me gay, too.

Sincerely,  
Gandalf

P.S. - But on a side note, yes, of course I'm gay. Who exactly told you otherwise?


	6. Chapter 6

Dear Thorin Oakenshield's Company (minus Bilbo),

Stop being assholes and just be happy you get to have an adorable hobbit burglar with you. If you want, I'll trade you my brother.

Sincerely,  
Me


	7. Chapter 7

Dear Gandalf,

Why does the halfling keep giving me flowers? Answer me, wizard.

Your friend (sort of),  
Thorin, son of Thrain, son of Thror, King Under the Mountain


	8. Chapter 8

Dear Thorin,

The flowers are courting gifts, Thorin. He's courting you, you idiot. Why else would he give you flowers? He's a hobbit— that's what they do.

Sincerely,  
Gandalf The Grey


	9. Chapter 9

Dear Gandalf,

There are dwarves in my home, Gandalf! DWARVES. I don't care if you knew my mother and I don't care if Thorin is majestic— get them out! And I'll have none of this dragon business.

Sincerely,  
Bilbo Baggins of Bag End


	10. Chapter 10

Dear Tauriel,

If I could, I would give you the moon and the stars.

Love,  
Kíli


	11. Chapter 11

Dear Bilbo,

What the hell is 'Johnlock?'

Sincerely,  
Thorin


	12. Chapter 12

Dear Thranduil,

I am the most majestic. Deal with it.

Sincerely,  
Thorin


	13. Chapter 13

Dear King Under his Thrice Dammed Mountain,

I haven't got a clue what 'Johnlock' is. Why should I? But while we're pointing fingers; what in the gods' names is Thorin Twerkinshield?

Sincerely,  
Bilbo Baggins


	14. Chapter 14

Dear Brother,

You keep my children safe. Do you understand me? And don't you dare get them lost, I know how bad your sense of direction is.

Love,  
Dís


	15. Chapter 15

Dear Kíli,

As long as the starlight shines you will be my fondest memory.

Love,  
Tauriel


	16. Chapter 16

Dear Thorin,

I wrote you a poem.  
Roses are red, violets are blue.  
In the language of flowers that means 'I love you.'

Love,  
Bilbo


	17. Chapter 17

Dear Mr. Oakenshield,

If you marry Uncle Bilbo, then will you be my uncle, too?

Sincerely,  
Frodo Baggins


	18. Chapter 18

Dear Gandalf,

The halfling kissed me. When I questioned as to why he said something about standing under mistletoe. What is the meaning of this, wizard? Is this some strange hobbit custom?

Sincerely,  
Thorin


	19. Chapter 19

Dear Kíli,

What do you have that I don't? Is it the beard? I can grow a beard... maybe. Stay away from Tauriel, I called dibs like a century ago.

Not your friend,  
Legolas


	20. Chapter 20

Dear Thorin,

Majesticness is so overrated; I'm fabulous, and you're not.

Not your friend,  
Thranduil


	21. Chapter 21

Dear Nori, 

I know you stole some of my mother's silver spoons. I expect them to be returned.

Sincerely,  
Bilbo Baggins


	22. Chapter 22

Dear Burglar,

Bilbo T-BAGgins. Need I say more?

Sincerely,  
Thorin


	23. Chapter 23

Dear Tauriel,

Kate? Kate, what are you doing?

Sincerely,  
The Lost Fandom


	24. Chapter 24

Dear Smaug,

Sherlock! It's me! It's John! Stop trying to set me on fire!

Sincerely,  
Bilbo


	25. Chapter 25

Dear King Under the Mountain of Morons,

Whenever you and Smaug are done with your little bitch fight; can we get on with the bloody quest?

Sincerely,  
Bilbo


	26. Chapter 26

Dear Thranduil,

I may not be very skilled with words, but my feelings for you are stronger than I've ever felt for anyone else. I HATE YOU.

Sincerely,  
Thorin


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't updated in awhile! Valentine's Day fluff for all! ♥♥♥

Dear Bilbo,

I am not a master poet, as I do not hide behind flowery words, I prefer to speak and be spoken to plainly. But, for you, I shall try my best.

1 thing  
2 do  
3 words  
4 you  
I love you. ♥

Forever yours,  
Thorin


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that I haven't updated in a long time! Please don't kill me!
> 
> This letter ties into my little story called "Cultural Diversities." But it still makes sense if you haven't read it. And not all of these are Female Bilbo, you can take them whatever way you want and that's they way I like it. Except, of course, this one; Bilbo is definitely male here.

Dear Bofur,

I've certainly got the balls for it— have you?

Sincerely,  
Bilbo Baggins


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: I'm terrified of spiders. No, really... keep them away from me.  
> •_•;

Dear Thranduil,

You seem to have a rather intense spider problem... Fuck this— I'm out!

Just kill the damn things,  
Me


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This letter is by the wonderful Raine as a response to the previous chapter's. Raine does not, as far as I know, have an account. Nevertheless— the lovely Raine!

Dear you,

Unfortunately, monster-cleaners are out of service right now; and it seems that eight-legged, hairy monstrosities are not my only problem right now. Having thirteen two-legged, far more hairy, and very grouchy monstrosities (read: dwarves) tresspassing in MY woods will do that to a king, I'm afraid.

Sincerely,  
Thranduil of Mirkwood

P. S.: I will let myself be persuaded into killing any spider, no matter how small, within a million mile radius around your esteemed person, if you manage to get this pestilence off my premisses. A promise, from one ruler to another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I did change the last line from "one king to another" to "one ruler to another." This is because I am, in fact, a woman. It's not really important, but I thought it wouldn't hurt to mention.
> 
> Also, just inform me if you have a letter you'd like me to post. I'll make sure to credit you, I promise. :) ♥


	31. Figwit Vs. Lindir

Dear Sir Peter Jackson,

His name is Figwit, not Lindir.

Sincerely,  
The Middle-earth Movies Fandom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two things!
> 
> One: Kudos to anyone who actually understands what I'm even talking about.
> 
> Two: It's my birthday! Woo! Another year closer to death, yeah!


	32. Chapter 32

Dear Kili,

I told you it was "Baggins," not "Boggins!"

Your brother,  
Fili

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for Define_Crazy; who requested an exchange between Fili and Kili. I hope everyone liked it!


End file.
